DAADS Date an ape dating service
by CutePoison
Summary: Ch. 2 Haywire is up. A spoof on dating services with Brad Bellick and others as clients
1. Chapter 1

D.A.A.D'S

Date An Ape Dating Service: Tape # 666 Client: Bradly Bellick.

(Office use only) 678BB7980-02-10-2007

(Static followed by Bellick adjusting himself and clearing his throat) "Are we on? Do I start now"?

(Voice off in the distance) "Yes you can begin now…um (rustling of paper) Bradly".

Bradly: (Looks into camera and tries to smile a nice non-sleaze ball smile, but fails horrendously) "Hiya Ladies, I'm Brad… I guess you could say I'm self employed at the moment (Smiles and winks at camera). I'm not married, but I do have a special lady in my life, Hi, Ma!...(laughs) "That was a joke by the way. If you choose me you'll see that… That I have a great sense of humor, I mean. Let's see… They tell me I should tell you some of my hobbies. So, I guess I'll do that. I like bowling… and ahhh… umm…I really like eating out….I mean at restaurants. (laughs) You really need to like seafood if you wanna connect with me…I got this gift card burning a hole in my pocket. (Laughs again).

I like blondes mostly, but hey, I'm not that picky…you know as long as you got hair! No offense Aunt Edna"…(Looks down shamefully and then back up) "Not that my Aunt will be seeing this I mean she's around 80…not that I don't like older women…just you know they gotta still be breathin', if you get my drift. (laughs again). I like redheads…a lot! Their fiery! What I really like is leather and Motorcycle Mama's. (winks) It would be a big A+ if you have a tattoo or two. You see, I like to be handled by a real woman…someone who knows how to spank a bad boy if he needs it. But of course I also like the submissive type if you're not all that fiery.

You know someone who knows who her Daddy is"? (Smiles slyly).

"Anyways, if you choose to call me, I want you to know, you'll have a great time. You'll be wined and dined. (Looks at RL gift card he is holding in his hand then holds it up) "I think this is worth at least 50 bucks". (Smiles…static…).


	2. Chapter 2

(Directly affiliated with Date an ape dating service)

J-C.D.S (J-cat dating service) Tape # 5150 Client: Charles "Haywire" Patoshik

(Office use only) 495754764950-02-15-07

Haywire: (Removes red football helmet and sits on stool) "Is it okay I parked my bike out front"?

(Voice: "That's fine, I'm sure").

Haywire: "Is it okay if Larry stays with me? I mean he's my best friend".

(Voice: "Um…of course it's okay. Are you ready to start, Charles"?)

"Haywire: "Yep…I'm ready". (Goofy grin spreads across his face).

(Voice: "Tell the ladies something about yourself, Charles").

"Haywire: "Um…what ladies? Oh, the ladies! Okay! Well, I like the feeling of ice cream on my face…it feels good. I like to draw pictures. Umm, and if umm the ladies want a chance with me they have to be open to travel…'cause I plan to sail to Holland. Oh, hopefully they can swim too. I mean it would be a plus if they can swim.

They can't be too picky about my meds…those are like invisible freakin' handcuffs, I tell ya! And I really like my dog Larry, so they will have to like dogs. Larry's awesome. Hey, Larry you wanna play fetch"? (Grabs duffle bag at his feet and pulls out a bunch of sticks). "Which stick…This one? No? Which stick, Larry"? (Larry whines).

(Voice: "How about the biggest stick"?)

Haywire: "Good idea"! (Throws stick towards camera tech and starts bouncing up in down in excitement as Larry runs for it)…"Go Larry"! (Sound of a collision and camera is askew when camera tech is knocked flat.)

(Voice: "Ahhh…Damm!!! Why did you throw it at me"?

Haywire: "Sorry! Bring it Larry…Bring it boy"! (Larry brings stick and drops it at his feet). "Wasn't that cool"?

(Voice full of sarcasm: "Ah, yeah that was amazing…a dog who fetches…priceless".

Haywire: "Give me kisses, Larry! (Larry jumps up and starts licking Haywire's face…and mouth…Haywire opens his mouth and the two's tongues are flapping affectionately at each other.)

(Voice: Gagging sounds.)

Haywire: (Larry has backed off) "I'll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone"?

(Voice, nervous now: "Um… might not be a good idea".

Haywire: (But it's like he didn't hear the camera tech) "You would be amazed at what I can get Larry to do with peanut butter. He'll lick anything with peanut butter on it"! (Eyes widen as he speaks).

(Voice: "Um…I think I'm going to be sick"! Camera falls to ground and sound of heavy footfalls as camera tech runs away)

Haywire: (Feet with sneakers and pants a bit too short to cover the ankles approach the camera. And then it is picked up and Haywire is larger than life). "This would be so cool for our trip to Holland! Come on, Larry"!

Camera is filming Blair whitch style as Haywire makes his way back to the stool. And then we see blackness and hear Haywire's muffled voice when he shoves camera in duffle bag)

(Lots of muffled sounds and humming as the camera's jostled around in bag….tape runs for approximately 38 more minutes and then clicks off…)


End file.
